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DEAR K
How are you?
I miss you much, out of nothing. It is actually quite funny to say that I miss you.
Why? Why do I miss you? I can barely think of anything we did together. There is so little things between us. I don't even know if you can ever ever remember that boy called Eric. The boy who always stared on the ground when talking to you; the boy who always always avoided your eye contact for the few times you ever looked into his eye; the boy who liked you so much.
I don't know why do I still think of you now. Even for me, I would consider myself to be very silly for carrying on such a little but lasting crush on you. It is so little that you are always hidden in my mind and I only think of you occasionally once or twice a day, but every day.
This boy is very very silly when it comes to love. Even for today, he is still silly enough to ask another guy he like, why don't you like me. What a silly funny stupid question. He knows that one should never ask this to others. But his mind and his behavior is totally split up.
Why don't you like me? Why?
Because~~ because I am just not into you. That's simple and self-explanatory. It is common for people not to like you emotionally in an affectionate way. So why do you even bother asking this kind of shit? because, the boy always hold one tiny piece of hope, which is quite desperate that, you, you may love him back, like the way, he feels about you.
But dear K, honestly, this boy never ever even thinks about that you may love him, like him or do anything to him. This boy feels so low in front of you. You are the shining star, you are the excellent but lonely planet wandering lonely in the far far milk way by yourself. This boy never expects too much from you, not even a kiss.
He just wants you to talk to him once or twice for a while.
Your number that he never dares to call.
Your smile which can shines his world like full moon.
K, that is all. You are my dear K, you are just there. My dear K. You are a symbol which refers to a life that this boy dreams of. You are the one who makes him feel lonely as hell down there on the earth. You are the moon which sheds silver lights on his blue eyes. He just admires you. He loves you so much that he think this love itself is enough to last him for his whole life. Nothing more. As for you K, this boy never expects too much since he knows that you are unreachable.
It has been two years, since I met you on that damn party. I was drunk, I lost my shirt, we shared a taxi back home, you said hi and goodbye, and you left. I once went to your place when you were sick and made some chicken soup, and that's all. We once talked about the funny Banana Public and agreed that bananas are the best fruits. We took the class from the same teacher. We went to the same gym. You lived only one block away. And, that is all the experience we once might interact with each other for the two years past.
Although, this boy thinks of you every single day. But he never does anything. This kind of MISSING-K behavior becomes a ritual or something very very common in this boy's life. It is just like breathing, having meals and having sex for this boy, something necessary that he needs to do all the time, but sort of unconcious. But only for you, K, you are always there in his mind. You never leaves.
K, do you know? I have moved a lot since I met you two years ago. I have a lot of new dates and I still keep the same old boyfriend. I have started drinking wine regularly and put Riesling in my shopping list since that is your favorite. I only order Large Coffee with Soymilk and an extra shot in Starbuck since that was what you ordered for the one single experience we went out for coffee together. K, you are there everyday in my life. You are there.
When I was a senior student, I still behaved like a 16 year old little girl in front of you. Do you know, I always stood outside your house, staring at your windows for hours at night after my class finished at 9? Did you ever notice that your bike is always adjusted in the morning? It was all committed by me.
Do I love you K? I don't know, it really depends on how we define the word LOVE, and that is a really a big big word for me. But I do know that my feeling for you is more than LIKE. I admire you K, I do admire you so much. Every night when I was standing outside your building staring at the lights coming out of your window. I never ever dare say hi or knock your door. I just texted you, HAVE A SWEET DREAM, K. Dear K, do you know? Every time you received that boy's message HAVE A SWEET DREAM, he was actually there, outside your door, trying to imagining the way you lock your bike, pick up your talk-out hanging on the bar, opening the door, and Bomb, you slapped the door open, and you disappeared in your building. The next thing is the light out of your window. This boy's heart sank. He closed his eye, no tears, just very very sad and very very lonely.
Dear K, how do you think of me?
Dear K, why don't you like me?
Dear K, do you know I have a really really special affectionate feeling for you?
Dear K, do you know, maybe I love you, or I just love the K in my mind, since you are too faraway.
Dear K, you make me feel very very very lonely. |
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