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This story is about a boy, a man to-be, and a man. Inspired by a close friend, I started it. Later on, under the influence of another friend, I slightly changed it. Finally, encouraged by both of them, I finished it. I hope love will always be around us, and I believe it is, always.
I would like to dedicate it to Chao and Nicolas.
Always
Curly, yeah, his name is Curly.
Curly is sitting on the grass in Central Park, New York City. The sun is shining brightly, right above his head. The sunshine makes him regret not having worn a pair of sunglasses. He stands up and walks over to a tree; finds a nice spot underneath the wide shadow, trying to get some cool air. Beautiful girls are lying under the sun to get their skin colored. Those white-collars are napping with earphones in their ears. Families are having little picnics with kids running all over the place. Curly stays away from them. He does not want to get involved, especially picking up some football. He does not want to be part of them, a group of leisure time enjoyers. Solitude is quite pleasant to him. He rather locks himself away from the rest of the world.
It is the year of 2006.
Twenty years ago on Goodman’s farm, Kansas.
Four o’clock on a normal Monday morning, a little boy called Niay had barely opened his eyes. The bedroom door was open; everything seemed very strange to him.
“Get up, Ni! You can’t sleep any more!” A heavy male voice was heard.
“It is Niay, sir.” He tried to confirm of his name to whoever called him, but the guy was obviously out of sight.
It was his first day here, and he was only eight years old. He did not even know where he was.
He made his way to the kitchen; there was a whole bunch of people sitting at the big counter. They were all farmers, and they were all men, drinking coffee. A gentle-looking lady was behind the counter, bringing out food for them. Niay smelt bacon.
“Come here, Ni, let me introduce you some people.”
Niay moved forward slowly; his eyes were full of wander and frightening. He didn’t know these people, and he did not feel like getting to know them either. He had completely no idea why and how he had got to this weird place.
“This is my son, Ivan, he’s eighteen, and that’s my wife, Ann. So, how old are you?”
“Eight.”
Mrs. Goodman found the boy tired and hungry, “you must have something to eat, my dear.” She took out a big plate; put some scrambled eggs and bacon on it, “here you are.”
He couldn’t remember when the last time that he had had food was. It seemed like days ago.
After a big breakfast, Goodman took Niay to the farm. At that time, to be an owner of such a big farm was quite an honorable thing, so Mr. Goodman was generally very respected as lots of sheep and cows could be seen on the vast green land, with no trace of an ending.
Niay was fascinated. His father was a farmer as well, he recalled, but of course, not this wealthy.
“Excuse me; do you know where my parents are? I don’t know how I got here.”
Goodman came to a startled halt, and an air of hardness appeared on his face.
“They are out of town.” He lied.
“Really? But I remember, I remember…a tornado was coming…and…we were in our basement. And…I don’t remember…” Niay seemed to suffer from a headache.
“No, that is just one of your nightmares…you know, people have nightmares when they don’t sleep well. They went out of town to visit some friends, uh, an old friend died, they didn’t have time to tell you…it was such a hurry… they were… in a hurry. They asked me to take care of you, so now you stay at my place until…they return.”
“But I don’t remember they ever told me that. When will they return anyway, if what you said was the case?” Niay was not satisfied with the explanation. However, Goodman was not someone people would not believe; usually he was far too kind.
“They did not say, but I would think it won’t take long, kid.”
From that day on, Niay started his life on Goodman Farm although with reluctance, still wandering where his parents had gone to.
The sun was usually bright, yet sometimes it would rain, but not heavily. Chilly wind blew with a heart full of sympathy even in a freezing winter night. Snow then fell down on the grass, just a little bit, like mother’s gentle touch to her lovely children. Sheep stayed inside their tents. Niay enjoyed talking to them on those days. They were his only friends.
Once spring came, when the grass turned green again, when the sheep were free to get their refreshments again, everything was different. The entire farm got all excited. Niay always got a letter from his parents in springtime, a couple of days before Easter.
“Dear Niay,
Dad and I have settled in the city, you could not imagine how hard it was. We do not want to move you here until you are all grown up. There are too many people here; it’s too dangerous. But we love you and we miss you.
Love, Mom”
The letters were mostly short and brief. Ivan usually delivered them to him.
Niay put all the letters inside his little treasure box hidden under the bed. To him, they were all what he was living for.
Year after year, Niay had grown into a handsome young figure, but he still seemed to be a peculiar kid to others at school. Not many students enjoyed talking to him. He often was left out from the conversation especially when boys and girls were getting together. Perhaps a parentless kid would never be loved, he thought.
At the age of fifteen, Niay met a man, who later changed his life thoroughly.
It was quite cloudy that summer Saturday, but Niay had to look after the sheep anyway. Ivan had gone to the city for four years in search of a job, he had written home saying he would be back that summer.
Dark clouds were piling up in the sky. Parents began calling their children to go back home. Niay did not hear Mrs. Goodman’s yelling, he was napping, besides, it was only three o’clock in the afternoon. However, the sheep all started to walk in one direction. Suddenly, a lightening stroke the sky, Niay awoke.
“What was that?” He murmured to himself.
The wind was blowing more and more strongly, trees were making loud noises, and the leaves were dancing madly high above in the air. It looked like a thunderstorm was coming. Then heavy raindrops fell down.
“Oh, no!” Niay quickly stood up and ran for home, but he was too far away from the house, he was at the edge of the forest, if he ran for home, by the time he got there he would be soaked. So he decided to go into the forest although it was extraordinarily dark there.
He thought he was so foolish that he did not even bring a jacket with him. He tried to run under the trees so that he would not be getting too wet, but the lightening was also very scary. He could not see the path ahead; he stopped. Simultaneously, a big lightening came into his sight; he heard a weird sound behind him. He could not tell what it was; nevertheless, he felt sudden warmth climbing his back. He turned back carefully, and a huge tree was on fire. Niay was frightened.
His first reaction was to run away from the fire, but it quickly spread toward him. The rain was so heavy that he could not see a thing even though the fire had made the sky so bright.
“Help!” He called out desperately.
A man seemed to be approaching in his direction, but he could not see it clearly as he felt he was fainting. The fire was getting very close to him, and the tree started to fall. Niay fell hard on the ground, thinking it might be his last moment on earth; he pictured his parents.
The man was running fast, when he saw a piece of shadow falling, he quickly picked up Niay who was already fainted and carried him on his back. Meanwhile, he could tell the burning tree was only inches away. He ran like insane till he finally stumbled over a stone. With an enormous sound, the tree reached the ground, and the fire began to go wild. Fortunately, they had got far away enough that they were out of the danger, but only for a second, because the fire was not yet under control of course. The man was up on his feet in no moment, with Niay on his back still. He took a glance at the boy’s helpless face, and for a moment, he felt a strong sense of responsibility. “No matter what it would take, I had to save him!” He thought.
As the rain got less heavy, they finally reached a little stream of water. The fire was far behind. It was such a relief. They lay there, could not move at all.
It was probably midnight when the man woke up finding that the fire was almost gone and a boy was laying besides him next to the river.
The boy was sleeping peacefully as if nothing had happened. He stared at him, gently rubbing his cold hands. Niay opened his eyes, but he was obviously still not recovered from the storm and the fire. He looked up at the man, baffled; he could barely see him under the moonlight because rain had not stopped. Either out of exhaustion or some other reason, they did not start a conversation. Since the lightening was gone they hid themselves under the tree leaves to keep from getting wetter.
When the first ray of sunshine peaked through the forest the next day, they were up together.
“Hi, you’re ok?”
“Yes. What happened?” Niay tried to sit up.
“You fainted, and I came across you, so I saved you.”
“Err…thanks, thank you so much.” Both of them felt a bit awkward.
“I’m Niay, by the way.”
“Leon. I guess I’ve heard about you. Ivan told me all about you.” Thinking of Ivan, Leon felt he was getting closer to this boy in front of him called Niay. “I’m Ivan’s friend.”
“Oh,” An air of surprise appeared on Niay’s face, “really? How is he?”
“Maybe I ought to take you home.” Leon suddenly switched the topic, “You need some treatments…” He was trying to get up but failed, suffering from a headache.
“Are you ok? Maybe you are sick too.” Niay pulled his arms.
“I guess so, but we are not going to sit here and wait to die.” Leon leaned back to a rock.
“You are fifteen, aren’t you?” Leon once again looked at Niay’s innocent complexion.
“Yes. Ivan told you everything?” On the contrary, Niay did not even bother to lift up his eyelids.
“Pretty much. You live in their house?” Leon tightened up his heart, attempting to keep away the sorrow, which occurred to him every time Ivan was mentioned.
They were both too weak to pick up anything, the only thing they could do was to lie there. The smoke caused by the forest fire had covered the entire area. The smell of burning wood made them sick. Staring at Niay, Leon wandered away.
Meanwhile, Mr. Goodman and a couple of people in town had gone out to the woods to look for Niay. When they finally got to the river, they were very confused at seeing another man lying besides him. Both of them were not conscious.
Later in the afternoon, Niay woke up; finding himself in his own bed, which made him feel so comfortable. He got up, and walked to the kitchen. The man whom he had met in the woods, Leon, was sleeping on the sofa.
“Ah, here you are! Do you feel any better now? He’s still asleep, try to be quiet. I’ll make you some food.” Mrs. Goodman was always standing by the stove; at least that was what seemed to Niay.
“Thanks.” He took a seat at the counter.
“Do you know him? I’ve never seen him in town before.” Mrs. Goodman began the conversation.
“No, he’s not local, you’re right. He’s Ivan’s friend, I met him in the woods, and actually, he ran into me and saved my life from the fire.”
“He’s Ivan’s friend?” She was both thrilled and surprised.
“Yes, I guessed he came to bring some news.”
“Oh, really?” Mrs. Goodman was getting interested. She put down the plate, almost breaking it.
Hearing the noise, Leon woke up. He appeared to have a headache. He was still wearing his dirty clothes from the previous night; they were already getting dry. He looked around the house, and he saw Niay.
“Hi! You are awake! How are you feeling?” Niay showed his friendliness.
“I’m fine, thanks. Is this your home?” He began to have a bad feeling about this place. He knew he was going to take the risk no matter how hard it would be. Thinking about that, his headache was killing him more and more. Outside, Mr. Goodman was walking toward the house, through the window, he saw Leon standing by the sofa.
“I heard you are Ivan’s friend. I’m his mother. It’s nice to meet you.” Mrs. Goodman walked over to give a hug, “Niay told me you brought us news of my son. How is he? You know, he has left for too long a time, and he’s my only son, we really miss him…” Mrs. Goodman was so eager to hear from his son that she could not stop talking. Leon didn’t even have a chance to cut in.
“You know Ivan?” Mr. Goodman cut in.
“Yes, sir,” Leon turned to him, “I shared an apartment with him, and…I have something to tell you…I…I…” He could not avoid himself showing his emotions on face. “I’m really sorry, Ivan died.”
Silences stroke the room.
“What?” Mrs. Goodman cried out, “You are not serious, are you? It can’t be possible.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am. He died of a road accident. I worked with him, and he was my best friend, so I…I came to…to tell you…I am really sorry.”
“Oh, my God…” Mrs. Goodman burst into tears.
“…” Mr. Goodman was such a strong person, but at this moment he was obviously losing himself. He was trying to say something, but the words just seemed to be stuck in his mouth. He was totally stunned. Niay same, was shocked. He stood up from the stool with his eyes wide open and his hand covering his mouth. The room was surrounded by a heavy silence except Mrs. Goodman’s quiet sobbing. The silence was like some hundred pound stuff that was pressing on everyone’s chest that it was so difficult to even take a breath. Mr. Goodman left; maybe it would make him feel better working so that he would not be thinking about the things that he should not be thinking about.
The fortunate families all had the same happiness, but an unfortunate family would have its own problem. Losing a family member was however, terrible to any family. Nevertheless, sometimes you just could not get what you wanted, and what came to you was not always what you wanted. Life is cruel.
A summer breeze came through the air, refreshing everything, yet it could not blow the sadness away from the Goodman’s households. Some friends in town were helping to carry out a memorial service. Everyone who came to house was trying to do their part to help, cook, make paper flowers, sort out Ivan’s clothes...etc. When the service took place, almost every single person in town came, but Niay somehow was not able to pull himself together to sit there. He decided to hide himself in his bedroom.
He did not think that Ivan’s death would mean so much to him. He suddenly felt something creeping over his back, a cold sense of air sort of thing, it was a weird feeling, and a feeling he had never had before. He began to recall the time he spent with Ivan, the past years. Memories flooded in his head. Ivan had taught him how to tend the garden, how to look after the sheep, how to climb the highest tree in the woods. He had never realized that he had already taken him as a brother. When he left for the city, Niay was only 11 years old, an age of innocence. Ivan had told him that he was going to do some great things, to live like a city boy, walking in and out of luxurious hotels, driving his own car, and he even told Niay he would never want to smell the cows, they stunk. To a country boy like Niay, those words were like Satan’s statements. How dare he! Niay had secretly thought. He didn’t ask why Ivan would have wanted to leave home, leave his parents, his farm and everything he grew up with. If it were for him, he would have loved to stay, he would have never wanted to leave for anywhere, how could any place be better than home especially when you got your parents around. Nevertheless, these questions would have seemed totally dumb to Ivan.
Now, Ivan had gone, and would never come back. Niay felt lost. He thought about his parents, could they be… maybe? Maybe one day someone would bring news about them saying that they were dead? He was frightened. He tried hard to make himself remember what exactly happened the day his parents left him. He caught a headache every time he tried to think about that. Hiding himself under the bed cover, he would not hear the crying of the people outside. He was afraid that he would have to cry for his parents one day. He started to doubt the letters that his parents had written to him which were delivered to him by Ivan. He had not got any for the past four years since Ivan left. It was not reasonable. If the letters had kept coming, someone else would have delivered them to him. There were postmen. He jumped out of the bed, took out his treasure box. The letters were still there. He realized that almost all of them indicated the same information over and over. They kept telling him there were lots of cars and people in the city, things were expensive…but they never really said anything more realistic than that, something about moving him to the city, almost never. It all seemed so peculiar. Niay was only fifteen years old, and he had been going to school, he was not a silly boy, he knew what this meant. It meant that his parents did not write the letters, it meant that his parents had not contacted him for seven years, it could mean and it probably did mean that his parents had gone to heaven as well. “If it is the truth, I will never forgive myself.” Niay said to himself.
Meanwhile, Leon, too, was struggling with his own emotion. Once again, he sank himself into the memory of Ivan. He couldn’t tell how many times he had thought of him since he passed away. The idea that Ivan had gone to paradise where all happiness existed did not make him feel any better. All he wanted was that Ivan would be alive in front of him. He recalled so many nights in their little apartment, the two of them playing video games, like little boys. Ivan would cook something just to Leon’s taste.
“What’ve you been doing? Why don’t you go out to help?” Leon knocked open Niay’s door.
“I… I’m not in the mood.” Niay stepped back. This time he saw Leon, wearing a black suit. He was such a handsome figure.
Leon saw hardness on his face, “listen, Niay, I know it is difficult for you too, you grow up with him, and he’s like your brother, but you have to learn to face life. Sometimes it is so cruel, but it is the way it is. You’ve got to accept it. Do you understand?” Consoling another person also meant consoling himself.
“I know. I was just thinking about my parents. They died, you know, I think.”
“You knew it? I mean… you…” Leon startled.
“What do you mean? You know something about them? Did Ivan tell you anything?” Niay got excited. He found proof to his thinking; Ivan did know something.
“Well, I thought I’d tell you when the funeral is over. Everyone is busy now. Ivan had told me something about you.” Leon started as if it were a long story.
“You have to calm down, Niay. You are right. Your parents are dead. They died seven years ago, in the tornado that attacked here. Mr. Goodman found you near the woods. They picked you up. Someone in town told them that your parents had died; they could not even found the bodies. Lots of people died in that disaster. The Goodman’s then decided to keep you and raise you up. However, they did not want to tell you the truth, as it would be too painful for an eight-year-old boy. Ivan then made up his own mind that he would write you letters in the voice of your mom so that when you got the letters you would know that they were still alive, but the problem was that he did not think about what if one day he had left you and the letters stopped coming, he then figured by the time he could not write you letters anymore you would be all grown up and be able to accept the reality. His parents didn’t know about it, so they could not have taken his job.” Leon was astounded at how he succeeded in pouring out the truth.
The whole time he was talking, Niay did not say a single word. He was completely speechless. When the truth finally lay out in front of him, he was neither astonished nor sad, it was as if he had known it already, deep inside his heart, he had long known the truth already. He knew it would be like this someday, that someone would speak it out for him. He collapsed on the floor, the huge pressure that had been pressing him over the years suddenly disappeared, and the headache that had been bothering him for years seemed to be gone forever. It felt like he had been released from his self-built prison. He could smell the taste of freedom; it was all fresh to him.
“Aren’t you sad?” Niay suddenly opened his mouth, “at Ivan’s death?”
The words stuck in Leon’s mind. “Yes, I am, very. You will never understand how sad I am.” He bowed his head.
Niay turned to Leon; the face expression bewildered him.
“Do you know about love?”
“What?” “Leon, are you ok?” Niay tried to approach him.
“Give me a hug, please.” Tears were about to fall on Leon’s face, “I’m so depressed.”
In no minute, Leon crashed into Niay’s arms. For a long time the two of them held each other tight, finding relief in warm arms.
Ivan’s body was taken back home by the church service from the city two days after the memorial service. The funeral was scheduled right away. Mrs. Goodman fell ill the next day after the funeral, thus Leon decided to stay a bit longer and help with some of the work. It was logical for a friend to do that, yet Leon and Ivan weren’t just simple friends, they were a lot more than that.
For the first couple of days, he slept in Ivan’s room, and then he could not take the fact that he had to sleep in the bed Ivan used to sleep in, surrounded by his childhood toys, his books and his clothes. After a tough struggle, he moved into Niay’s room; he definitely needed someone’s company to overcome the pain. When being with Niay, he could at least spare some of his thoughts. Niay was young and pure, who seemed to have no concerns about life. Each night, they lay together on the bed, under the dimmed light, talking about numerous things. Niay was overwhelmed at what seemed to be great adventures that Leon told him. Sometimes he even thought it wouldn’t be too bad if he could have a brother like him. Meanwhile, Leon, as well, was appreciating the wonderful time he spent with Niay. It was as if Ivan were alive again.
In the afternoons just before sunsets, they would go out for a walk, under the big blue sky, back into the forest where they first met. Neither of them was quite talkative, when silence attacked, Ivan came up to be the topic of their conversation.
“You really miss him, don’t you?” Niay carefully brought it out.
“I do, don’t you?”
“Yes, of course, he was a very nice brother, I mean, for the letters he’d written to me pretending to be my parents.”
“He had a beautiful soul.” Leon started to walk back home. Niay pulled his arms, trying to stop him from walking away.
“Are you ok? I know it’s sort of strange when we talk about Ivan, you two must be really close friends, I mean, you know…”
Leon turned back, eyes full of tears, “sometimes in life there’s more than we could control.”
Starring at the back of Leon, Niay stunned. For a fifteen-year-old boy like him, something was beyond comprehension, yet he did find himself more and more curious about Leon and his world. Although he did not understand what kind of emotion that was, he knew Leon would be a lifetime friend. Simultaneously, Leon was having the similar emotion, he felt that he began to accept the fact that Ivan had gone forever and his life had to continue without him. This young boy Niay, shook his heart surprisingly. Nonetheless, he did not feel like that this was going to go any further. He’d better just move on alone.
“I’m leaving tomorrow.” Leon thought it was easier to put an end to something that hadn’t even started.
“Are you going back to the city?”
“Yes, but a different one. I’m going to New York.” He tried to ignore the anxiety on Niay’s face.
“New York, where is that?” A weird feeling attacked him.
“It’s very far from here, but it’s a place full of adventures and opportunities. It’s a place that everyone can have his dream fulfilled.”
“Can I go with you?” Niay had no idea why the sentence jumped out of his mouth.
“What?” Leon was astonished.
“I want to go with you. I want to leave here. I want to go on my own.” Niay was losing his grip, and he thought it was just the passion of life which made him say those crazy words, yet his under mind was working on something more.
“But…”
“But what? Every young man has gone out of town to seek his own fortune, why can’t I do that?”
“But you are too young, I suppose.”
“I’m fifteen, and I’m old enough, besides, my parents are dead, I don’t have anyone to care as much, all I have is I, myself.”
“Do you know what you are going to do? You just started high school.”
“I will continue with my school work, they have public schools in cities, right? And I will work at the same time to earn my livings.”
“Are you sure you want to do that?” Leon was asking the question both to Niay and to himself.
“I really do, please. I want to be with…you. I mean, as a brother. I guess you can at least help me get a job.” The secret slightly slid off, did anyone realize?
When the conversation stopped, the atmosphere was getting tense. If some purified emotion could grow into two different hearts, then there must have been some.
Niay told his idea to Mr. Goodman, this old rough man, he said nothing, but smoked harder and harder. They sat in front of the fireplace in complete silence. Mrs. Goodman was sewing. She broke up, “boy, do you really want to go? We treat you like you were our own son; we don’t want you to leave; besides, besides we need help on the farm.” She was losing herself, “we don’t want you to leave us, please, and we already lost one…”
“You’d better shut you mouth!” Mr. Goodman cried out. His wife then retreated to her silence again, whipping out her tears.
“I’ll let you go.”
“You said the same thing to Ivan four years ago, and look what happened!” Mrs. Goodman had gotten hysterical.
“No one can stop a young bird if he’s ready to test his wings.” Mr. Goodman stood up and left the room.
“Oh, my boy, you write to us, ok?” Mrs. Goodman gave Niay a warm hug; her tears kept running down her face.
The next day, they were on the road! There would be a whole new world lying ahead of them, both for Leon and Niay. Leon was 22, and Niay was 15.
Now let’s get back to the year of 2006.
Still in Central park, Curly was pushed awaken by a little boy. He tried to open his eyes; the sun was too bright. “A man wanted to give this to you.” He handed a little piece of paper over. It reads, “call me, 212 5473849. Leon.” The name makes him feel uncomfortable. Memories from the past flooded in his mind. Those weird emotions reappeared.
Curly sits up, looks at the direction that boy has gone to, and he finds no one special. He then stands up, heading to the subway. He feels like that he needs some lunch. The spring of New York City is all life is about at this moment to him. He absolutely enjoys it. Pax, the usual place he has lunch at.
He picks the corner seat, which he usually does, and orders a tuna sandwich. The whole morning seemed to have been wasted until he got the note from Leon. It crashed his mind once again just like what happened in his youth. He sits at the table, trying to figure out what to do next.
“Is that him, Curly?” An 18-year-old looking girl murmurs, sounding excited.
“Yes, I think so. Go and ask for his autograph.” Her friend is looking right at Curly but he doesn’t realize.
They walk to him and each holds out a cute notebook, “Will you sign it for us?” Their sweet voice suddenly awoke Curly. He looks up at them, already beginning to blame himself once again for not having worn a pair of sunglasses. How could he have forgotten how dangerous it is to walk in New York City without sunglasses when being a star!
“Oh, yes, sure.” He tries to pull out a smile and signs his autograph twice.
“Thank you!”
He is glad the girls didn’t expose him any more; no one seems to have noticed who he is. Suddenly his cell phone rings.
“Hello?” He kept his voice low.
“Niay?” It was a woman’s voice, sounding both far and near.
“Yes, and who’s this?”
“I don’t know if you remember me, Rebecca…”
It was about twelve years ago, Niay had been to New York City for almost a year, he had been living with Leon; Leon was taking small roles at a dinner theater. Niay had been going to a high school while at the same time working at that dinner theater too, as a waiter. At school, the students laughed at him because he was dressing like a country boy, knowing hardly anything about cars and fashion. At home, he sometimes did not know how to face Leon’s “over care”. He liked Leon’s company, and very much appreciated his kindness, but he knew there was something more in between them, though nothing had been mentioned. It all got clear when a girl named Rebecca stepped into Niay’s life. When he was a junior in high school, inspired by Leon, he took a leading role at a school’s drama club performance.
She had black eyes, full of water. She was not very tall, but slim. Everyone at school liked her, not only she was good looking, but also she had a beautiful heart just as sweet as how she looked. She would always help anyone who was in the needs. What’s more, she had good grades, and that seemed to make her even more popular. Almost every boy wanted to have a date with her. However, she just happened to have nice feelings toward the “country boy”. She was very much amazed by his performance at the drama club.
“Were you in a drama club when you were in junior high?” During the break of their rehearsal one day, she engaged him in a conversation.
“We didn’t have a drama club.” Niay was not interested in the conversation at first; all students were idiots in his eyes.
“Then how come you are so good?”
“You think I’m good?”
“Yes, of course.” She sat closer to him, “I think you are different.”
“From what?” He turned over.
“Well, the other boys. They are not as nice. I mean, they are nice, but they are so material. But you, you are just different. You seem to have a lot of thoughts about things and yourself.”
Niay smiled, “well, I don’t think I’m that complicated. I have been working at dinner theater and I have seen it everyday.”
“Well, that is so cool! Are you an actor there?
“No, I’m just a waiter, my friend acts.”
“Wow, is he our age? Which school does he go to?”
“No, he does not go to school.”
“Oh, ok.” She felt a little uncomfortable with his coldness, “But anyway, I wish I could have a teacher that teaches me how to act, you know, personally. My parents know nothing about drama. What about your parents, are they around, I mean, in New York?”
“No.” Niay’s face suddenly turned pale. He stood up and walked away until Rebecca called him out. “Sorry…can we talk again?” He did not answer, mostly because he did not want to face the painful memory again.
Surprisingly, Rebecca did not give up on him. She found herself in love, and Niay was all that was about. She tried to talk to him during almost every audition of their play. Niay tried hard to concentrate on the play although he could not avoid her approaching him from time to time. He was not quite sure what feeling he had toward her. He could sense her kindness, yet it would only make him think of Leon. Rebecca’s attractiveness did not seem to take his breath away.
For Rebecca, things weren’t too easy. She thought she had fallen in love with a perfect guy, but she was so confused about him. She realized that he was always trying to stay away from her. Maybe it would help if she spoke it out to him.
Just before the final performance, she took a minute to talk to Niay.
“I want to tell you something.” She started it off straight.
“Yes?” Niay did not even pay any attention.
“I…have…been in love with you, and I think you are aware of it, aren’t you?” Her courage came out of nowhere.
“Can we talk about this later?” Niay was shocked that she would bring it out at this moment.
“I’m afraid not.” She was getting close to the point that she would burst into tears.
Niay hesitated, “I’m…uh…I’m sorry I’m not aware of it, I mean…” He pointed at the stage,” we have to get ready, time’s up.” Then he quickly walked away from her, leaving her stunned.
The play was going to begin in any moment; Niay was on his focus from beginning to the end. At the back stage, Rebecca waited for him, obviously still wanting an answer from him, a clear one. Niay intended to sneak out of the back door but was caught right in the arm by her.
“We did not finish the talk, did we?” Rebecca attempted to put herself together.
“I don’t know what to say, sorry.” Niay began to back up. He knew that Leon was waiting outside. He didn’t want him to stay long in the parking lot; it was bitterly cold. Rebecca began to sob; she felt that she was such a loser. This boy in front of her, he had no feeling for her at all, none whatsoever, yet she fell head over heels for him. Her love had been accumulated so much that even she herself did not fully realize. Then all of these came to an end literally called “nothing”, and he would not even give her an explanation. How frustrated was that! She thought she could collapse on the floor at any minute. Niay stood there still; he had no idea as to how to console a girl. To him, she was not a bad girl to be with, but he was simply incapable of loving her. He couldn’t let her step into his mind because no space was left there.
“I’m sorry, I have to go.” He broke the silence.
“You already have a girlfriend?” It was the last words she could say.
His heart froze as he heard the question; Leon once again jumped into his mind.
“My friend is waiting for me, sorry.” He walked away without throwing a glance at her.
Outside, Leon leaned to the car in the blithering cold, waiting for Niay. As Niay appeared slowly in the darkness, he sensed an air of freshness, lightening his heart.
“You did a very nice job, you know that?” He walked up to him, stretching out his arms. Niay hesitated; he wasn’t expecting a hug. (But what more would he be expecting?)
“Thanks.” Niay pulled out a reluctant smile, gently avoided the hug.
“Are you ok?” It was out of question that Leon could sense the slight difference in his voice. “You must be tired.” He was also wise enough not to disturb him at that moment. Niay was no longer the little boy he met years ago on Goodman’s farm. He was not like a younger brother any more. Time had taught Leon that he should give him some space from time to time as he grew up although he still tended to overprotect him most of the time. Nevertheless, it had occurred to Leon that Niay had grown into a mature individual who no longer needed to hide under Leon’s wings.
On the contrary, Niay seemed to feel distanced that Leon didn’t ask further about his oddness. He wasn’t in the mood of talking, but he certainly would if Leon asked. So much did he want to tell him all about Rebecca, about how much he thought of him when being professed by a girl. Leon was the only person he ever trusted so much that he depended on him at all times. Rebecca was the single one secret he kept from him, but it seemed that the time to reveal it had come that night. All Niay needed was one sentence from Leon and he would burst out, but Leon never asked. They drove home silently. Perhaps it was not only the secret about Rebecca that did not successfully rise up to the surface, but the true emotion between Niay and Leon. The chance was being ignored. Neither of them had a will strong enough to let out the truth which had been trapped deep inside their hearts.
A year later, Niay graduated from high school and got into an art college to specifically study acting. He had lost track of most of his classmates including Rebecca, who earlier dropped out of high school to start her career in LA. There seemed to be no barricade in Niay’s life except as always, his own innermost emotion toward Leon. Simultaneously, Leon had been suffering the similar problems. It was too difficult to face the reality, which he was not yet ready to deal with. From Ivan’s death to meeting Niay, Leon had gone through the brink of his life. For many moments, he felt both happy and sad to have crashed again for Niay. He wasn’t even sure when the love began. He had attempted to spit it out but all failed. He somehow knew that this love could not be expressed by physical expressions. It was not a matter of touching, kissing or even love-making; it was more like a connection between two innocent souls. Leon was too afraid that Niay would only take him as a brother to risk shuffling down the words from his throat, although once in a while he could feel that Niay probably had the similar feeling that he did. Why was it so easy with Ivan? Why did it only take them the looks in the eyes to make themselves burst into love? Perhaps Niay was different. Apparently to Leon, he was not mature enough to deal with his own emotion, one that he was not quite sure about. Leon certainly didn’t want to push him on this as he found himself guilty from time to time to seemingly forgetting Ivan so fast. Thus every time their hands coincidentally touched the same object at the same time, he would just quietly take his back without a blink of an eye, pretending nothing was going on.
Niay, on the other hand, was in a dilemma. He sometimes felt like spending more and more time with Leon but was not so comfortable with the idea of being an idiot in other friends’ eyes only because he was engaged in a relationship with a guy who was supposed to be his brother under general impression.
Therefore, they decided to turn love away, and it was a decision no easier to make, and one that would leave an eternal scar at the bottom of the two indescribable hearts.
Not too surprisingly, Niay moved out later to go on with his splendid career as he became a singer whose albums kept breaking the selling records. Nonetheless, the day he left Leon was a disaster for both of them.
Leon sat in the couch with his right hand holding the TV remote tightly, watching Niay in and out, and sorting his stuff.
“I didn’t realize you had so much to pack.” It was an awkward question, but Leon had to say something to break the more awkward silence.
“Yeah, me neither. I guess I’ll have to throw some of them away.” His heart chuckled.
“Good memories will always stay in your mind.” Leon gave out a painful smile, “don’t you have anything to say?” He was desperate
Niay halted. He knew that at that time anything he said, he could spend his whole life regretting it. A silent response might be the only appropriate response. He quickly zipped the last zipper of his luggage and threw out a word; “take care” then ran away from the thing he didn’t want to face. Let’s hope that’s not the beginning of a mistake.
Now that five years have gone, Leon is currently a professional Broadway actor, and Niay as well has earned a great fortune and fame. Ever since he moved out of Leon’s place he has begun to use his last name publicly. He thought maybe it would help him change into a completely new person. He even thought that the vivid memory of Leon would perhaps disappear, yet the delicate emotion between the two guys never ceased.
Looking out of the window peacefully on the busy New York City streets, after a quick flash back of all the memories, Curly continues to talk on the phone.
“Yes, I remember, how did you get my number?”
“I got it from a classmate at the last class reunion; you’ve never been to one, have you?”
“No.” He doesn’t remember any faces.
“How are you doing? You seemed to have disappeared until we saw your MTV.”
From her voice he can tell that she probably has already learned that the little feeling she had to him was only a childish emotion.
“I’m fine.” Curly finds no topic to talk about.
“Well, you know, I’m calling just to say hi. I’m an actress now.”
“Oh, that’s your dream.”
“Yeah, I guess we both got our dreams fulfilled.” She pauses a second, “are you still single?”
A long silence comes after the question. With a slight disappointment, Rebecca takes a deep breath.
“All right, I think I have to hang up, I know you are busy, and I’m busy too. I guess I’ll see you around if I go to New York.”
“Ok, yes, bye.”
“Bye.”
Curly immediately switches off the phone. He realizes that Rebecca’s call has not only brought back the memory of her, but also the image of Leon and almost every single moment he had spent with him. He takes out the note that has the phone number. He keeps reading it over and over again. Just ten digits and a name, which are not complicated at all, seem so heavy to him. He feels incredibly uneasy, like he’s suffering some kind of phobia. Niay, it makes him think of this name. He has not heard other people call him that for five years. Five years, is it long enough to forget someone? Is it long enough to hide one’s emotion, to hide one’s love? Is it long enough to get recovered from a pain which involved holding back one’s love?
Curly begins to ask himself questions.
What does it take for me to dial the number?
Do I have the courage to face him again?
Can I face myself, the old self once again?
How difficult it is to open up my heart?
Do I really want to make this call?
Is it necessary to call him?
Do I still remember his face?
Is it possible for someone to forget his loved one’s face anyway?
What if I don’t call?
Will he come across me in the Central Park again by accident?
Will he keep asking a little boy to give me the note over and over again until I finally call?
Or maybe he will wait for me every morning in the Central Park?
What has he been doing these years?
Has he been thinking of me?
What would I say to him if I call?
There are too many questions, too many of them for Curly to answer. He tears up the paper, leaving the number only in his mind. He knows he will never forget, no matter how hard he tries, let alone that maybe he doesn’t even want to try.
When he walks out of Pax, it’s almost three o’clock. The sun shines right through the sky, spotting on every object on earth. He feels that the bitter sweet memory of Leon which has reappeared since several hours ago more and more clear. He can recall almost every single moment they had spent together. Suddenly, two streams of warm liquid begin to run down his face. “Oh, this is not good.” He talks to himself, “I cannot cry in the middle of the street. It’s way too embarrassing.” He quickly hides in a corner and wipes out the tears. A couple of people walk pass by, paying no attention to him. At least he doesn’t look like an idiot or an outcast. Although this is 21st century, and no one in NYC should be so obnoxious as to mind other people’s business, I would still guess that a pop star like Curly would certainly catch some attention if he cried out loud on the pavement.
Had it not reached the bottom of your heart, you might not be able to realize how strong the power of love could be. We human beings have been searching for the definition of love nearly ever since the beginning of civilization, and for centuries, we had stuck to the idea that only the union of man and woman could produce the eternal love up until now when there are more and more homosexuals who have practiced their unique love. Curly, or say, Niay, is not a peculiar man, but he has not taken one step forward in building up a relationship with someone he loves. Leon was the one who opened up a whole new world to him during his depression and the one who had always stood behind him. Nonetheless, he’s not even courageous enough to admit his emotion towards Leon, not even after 5 years of frustration.
Life is no different from a story, no exception in this one either. You live a life where you get hurt. You live a life where you cannot change a thing to make it better for you. These all can happen. Fictions are only so called fictions, without real life experience no fiction writer can survive.
Curly gets home, completely exhausted. He runs for the phone immediately. When he puts his finger on the keypad, he comes to a startled halt. He starts to ask himself questions again, questions about whether it’s the right thing to do to contact Leon, to let him return to his life. It seems that the little piece of note has changed his life in one single day, or his life has already changed a long time ago.
He drops the receiver and slowly picks it up again. He repeats the action numerous times till he gets tired and decides to put his fingers on the keys finally.
He holds up the handset close to his ear, his mind calmed down all of a sudden. The time of waiting for answering seems to last forever.
“Hello?” An outer space sound-like voice rose form the other side of the phone.
“Hi,” He pulls out the first word and stops right there.
On the other side of the line, a 35-year-old Broadway actor is trembling. Leon turns to look at his book shelf, on one row of which lines up a bunch of CDs, all brand-new and unopened. Over the years he has been collecting Curly’s CDs, every single one of them, yet he has not listened to them at all, he has not even opened the packages. When he saw him in the park today, he could not resist the temptation to write that note, he did not expect him to call. He thought maybe it would be a way of comforting himself, a way for him to put an end to this unbearable emotion. Therefore, when the vague voice arose, he takes for granted that it is all his imagination.
“Niay? Is that you?” He tries to hide his exciteness.
“Niay,” it sounds a little unfamiliar as he has not used this name for a very long time. “Yes, it’s me. I got the note, and I….I decided to call.”
“It’s nice to hear from you again. I kind of miss that…voice.”
“Yeah, how have the years treated you?”
“Fine, I’m…ok, how are you? I know you have made a lot of albums, they must be great.”
“You listen to them?” The air of uneasiness travels through the phone line back and forth.
“I…I bought them, I mean, but I haven’t listened to them.”
“I know you probably don’t like that kind of music.”
“No.” Leon can sense the slight disappointment, “I have tried to listen, but I failed…”
There’s a moment of silence.
“It’s ok….err…..I heard you work at the Broadway now.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, congratulations, I know it’s been your dream.”
The conversation is going exceptionally too slow. Leon realizes that he has no time to ponder for the next move, the moment he wrote the note; he has already taken a step forward to pick up this long lost relationship again.
“Niay, we need to think for us.”
Curly clutches to the receiver, in fear that Leon’s going to say something that he is not capable of listening.
“Niay, sometimes I miss you so much that I can hardly stand it.” Over the past five years, Leon has penetrated into his work, intending to erase the memory with Niay, only to find that this love has dreadfully enriched his lonely heart.
“I thought I could live without you.”
“I understand. You were so much younger, and we both weren’t very sure. You had a bright future ahead. I mean, you wanted a wonderful career…..”
“You know it would not work out.” Curly suddenly gets hysterical, as if blaming Leon for letting him go.
“Niay, I wanted to protect you, but I thought perhaps you should see the world with your own eyes. I did not want you to leave, but there was nothing I could do……I loved Ivan, and he loved me too. When he passed away, my life had turned into a complete tragedy, until, until the day I met you. You lit up my life, you really did, and you brought sunshine and hope and…everything.”
“How?” Curly’s tongue twists; he cannot pull out more words. Only at this moment has he realized what the past five years meant to him without Leon. Only at this moment, can he be fazed by his own coward like action on his love. Only at his moment, is he ready to get infatuated again by Leon’s magnetic voice.
“When I saw you in the park, I felt the years had crushed on me. I could not hold it anymore, I mean, you were still, still the way you used to be; I had no trouble recognizing you….you……”
“Go on.” Curly crave for the last words.
“You are still that, you are still my Niay. And……and I still…..I mean, you know……..I still love you, I did, I do, and I always will.” It takes all his energy to say those words.
Everyone could have waited his whole life for such sweet words and never got any, but Curly has them; the treasure of his life. Is he happy for it?
Sometimes you wonder why life doesn’t treat you kind, why God doesn’t treat you fair; then you take for granted that it is just fate which puts everything together. You start to believe no one would have privilege in the world called reality. You slowly accept what you think you have to accept. You turn around and leave without even dreaming of the possibility of a bright future. That’s what Curly did, what Leon did. They forgot ask themselves why.
“Leon, I never thought I would…I, I have waited for it for no one knows how long! I, I’m sorry…if only I could have spoken it out, I mean…5 years ago, when we were…together.” Niay sinks himself in the couch, feeling redeemed.
“It’s ok. We just have to do something even if we think we cannot.”
“But we are under the observation of the public, we have no private lives!” Niay gets nervous.
The reality once again bumps into Leon’s face. “We have worried about too much stuff, and we have to move on. Don’t you want to be with me?” The vivid sound of desperation travels through the air.
“Leon………I don’t know…………can we do this?” Niay is as helpless as an 8-year-old kid.
“Do you believe in true love? This may sound silly, but do you?”
“You know me, you know it………I love you………you know it.” Niay bursts into tears, “Always.” |
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